Don't have a title in mind.

My God, I love my kids. The past two weeks has been a test, though. Friday I found out that they BOTH have strep throat and ear infections that they had been suffering from the whole time. Way to go, me. It completely explains the coughs, runny noses, fevers, nasty diapers and general ickyness. And really, who can blame them? They felt like total crap. Somehow, I have avoided getting sick.

Two weeks ago, I also stopped nursing my 21 month old. It was definitely harder on me than her. She would ask for them once a day and after I said no, she would move on without another thought. Me, well, it was awful. My boobs got huge again and hurt like shit. The lumps throbbed and it was just horrible. I couldn't sleep on my stomach for almost an entire week and could barely even carry my baby. I think they are finally back to normal though, except I'm pissed at the way they look now. Whatever, I guess. Maybe if I save up $5,000 I can buy some new ones one day.

Everyone around me is having babies. No, really. Four of my friends had babies within the last month. Three others are pregnant. It would have been cool to have a preggo buddy when I was expecting... but I love that Alivia is almost two. She's becoming so independent and makes me laugh when she tries to talk. I love her so much.

I am tired today. Just very tired. I guess I could try to nap, but I feel like the minute I doze off, I'll have two little girls jump on me... Have a nice Sunday, everyone!

Pleasant Monday Morning.

Ahhhh, Mondays. Typically the most dreaded day of the week.

Today is okay, though. I've got my diffuser running, the aromatherapy oils filling my apartment with relaxing scents. I've got my morning coffee in my cute new owl mug. Alivia is napping and I am almost unpacked from the weekend.

Carly was with her dad, the boys came into town and we ventured out as a family (minus my sweet girl, hate that) to Lake Lanier for Blake's cousin's wedding. I will admit I was nervous about going. Blake has a huge family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, nieces, nephews, so on. It's still a little weird for me because growing up I had my mom, dad and sister. All of my other relatives lived across the country or across the ocean. Family gatherings only occurred at Christmas time. Anyway, I was nervous because of what we've been going through and my desire to be left alone about it. I was afraid I'd be looked at funny or asked questions. I was worried that people would look at us and wonder "What the hell?"... turns out, I was worried and afraid and anxious for no reason. No one cares (I mean, they care but not in a negative sense). Everyone knows me and loves me. It's a completely different feeling than I had in my first marriage - and I have to remind myself of that! I am part of their family and have been for nearly five years now. I never felt like I was a part of my ex-husbands family, even before things got sour. So, we were at the wedding and despite all of my irrational concerns I had a blast. We spent the weekend swimming, playing, jumping off the dock, making new friends, laughing, boating, and jet-skiing.

I have to say, Titus is my main man. I love both of my stepsons, but Titus has an especially tender place in my heart. Leo, I feel sometimes, could take or leave me (I mean that in a funny way) - I know he cares about me in his own way but he prefers his daddy and never strays too far from his side - he's also more quiet and far less expressive than his older brother. Titus is extremely sensitive towards my feelings and wants to be with me and show me affection constantly. If I go somewhere, he wants to come with me. He wants to help; he asks me questions because he trusts my answers. He shares things with me that he doesn't share with everyone. Things haven't always been perfect and our blended family has had it's share of ups and downs. Being a step-parent is challenging and what makes it more-so is when you know that their other parent resents your very existence and makes their children aware of it. But it is not the child's fault - and kids are so smart. They figure things out on their own. I am in a great place as a step-mom right now and I am thankful for that.

As parents, we hold the power to "mold" our children and without sometimes realizing it, they imitate everything we do in some way. If you expose your kids to good experiences and people, they will have a rich appreciation for life. If you hate the texture of bananas, it may become their least favorite fruit. If you root for a certain sports team, I bet they'll root too. What I'm saying is, you have to be conscious of what you do, how you behave, and the things you say in front of your children. They see and hear everything. If you have a blended family, it's important to always be kind in regards to the outside parents whether it's your ex or your partner's ex. Kids just want to love and be loved. They don't need to know why a marriage ended (not that they'd even understand - but also how unfair!) or hear you say their other parent is an idiot (even if they are). Let them love everyone involved. Like I said, they'll figure things out on their own. I'm already seeing that with both my oldest daughter and my stepsons. That being said, it's okay to vent about an ex - just as long as the kids aren't around to hear it.

I got Carly back yesterday and like always about ten minutes into the ride back home, she had a little meltdown. It's as if she completely holds in all of her feelings all weekend and once she's back home, she feels comfortable enough to let them out. She cries, wants to hold my hand, and be held in my arms. She tells me about how she dislikes being away and though she loves her dad, she wishes she could stay here with me. I hate it for her, I really do. Her father and I were married almost two years and it was wrong, wrong, wrong from the get-go. We just weren't meant to be, obviously. He's not a bad dad or scum of the earth, but he has very self-centered tendencies and it's finally something that I have learned to accept. It's not like I'm going to change him. Carly goes to see him every other weekend. He is remarried and has a son that is Alivia's age exactly. It was kind of awkward when his wife and I were pregnant at the same time. Carly does not get along with her step-mom and that's a huge reason she doesn't like going there. She feels unloved and cast aside. She sees this "family" that she doesn't feel a part of. I have tried talking to her dad about it, he denies everything and says it's total BS (fact is, it's how our daughter feels and I wish he would validate that at the very least). I have also tried talking to his wife about it. She usually rolls her eyes at me and dismisses anything I've got to say. She's told me before she wishes Carly and I would just disappear so she could have her own little family. So... I can only assume that's why Carly feels the way she does.

On the Mondays after I get Carly back, I always feel happy. I have my babies where they need to be and I have two weeks where I don't have to share. So even though most of the world hates Mondays, I am thankful for them because life is good.

Eh, it's been a while.

So, it's been well over a year since my last update. Sorry, guys. I guess life has a way of running away from you if you're not holding on to it tightly. I'm not sure if this post will be more of a downer or an upper but I figure I may as well get it all out of me while I have the chance.

The picture above is of my sweet little girls. Carly is now 5 and in kindergarten. Alivia is 1 and has a sweet yet fiery disposition. I took that photo at my best friends wedding last month. The girls keep me on my toes in very different ways. I read over my last entry and it's amazing how things change. Back then, it seems as though Alivia would sleep through grocery trips where as now it's a wrestling match to keep her seated in the cart. Her favorite word is "no" and she uses it often and when it doesn't make sense: "Älivia, would you like to ride on a purple unicorn?" "NO!"- I mean really, who would object to that?!

I guess I can slowly recap the last year.

In December, two of our close friends got into a tragic accident and they both lost their lives. They left behind three sweet kids. It hit close to home. The call came at 5am and we were knocked off our feet. What happened? Who? No. You're kidding me. This isn't real. This isn't happening. But it was real, it had happened. People deal with things in different ways when something horrific happens. Sometimes people gather together for support where they cry, drink, remember the good times, and cry some more. Some people find comfort in their religion. Some people can't be alone for a while. Some people isolate themselves and try to block out the pain by just not dealing with it. I'm the type of person who needs other people when I feel sad. I need to talk, cry, curse, and question all of my beliefs. That's the way I've always been and probably the way I'll stay.

A month later, another friend fell and ended up in the ICU with a fractured skull. This time, it was my husband's best friend - the brother of the man who had died just a month before. My husband sat in the room with his wife for days, weeks it seemed. Waiting for him to wake up, hoping, wishing, feeling sick, worrying, trying to plan for the best and the worst. Thankfully he pulled out of it and things are settling into their new normal. My husband's friend and his wife now have six children (their three and the three they adopted from his brother and sister-in-law's passing).

It seems as though the majority of 2013 has been one blurry blur.
Alivia turned one. Titus turned 6, Leo and Carly turned 5.
We had fun parties for all of them.

My husband and I are recovering from a short time of separation. This in itself is still hard to conceive or even write about. It's been hard... to say the very least. People go through things in different ways, deal with things differently. It's hard to know which path to take, which answer is the right one or how things will turn out. All you can do is stay strong, hope for the best, and make the best decisions based on the information at hand. I don't know where we will end up or how this story will end. I just know that there's too much to work for, too much we have worked for to give up now.

As of right now we are living in a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment. It's significantly smaller than the house we were living in but that's really okay. One step at a time, one day at a time. I honestly like the place. I don't know that I want to live in an apartment for the rest of my life but for right now, it's just fine.

I'll admit that over the past year, I've been a shitty friend. A lot of people may not even answer my phone calls anymore. I don't know what to do about that other than say I am sorry. I think 2013 may serve as one of the most difficult years I have ever experienced and I am personally anxious to see it ending. Those who are angry with me probably view me as selfish for trying to take this time and strictly focus on myself and my kids... and truthfully, I probably have been. I'm rarely too busy to answer a phone call or text or e-mail, honestly. Truth is, some days I just don't want to. Some days I don't want to talk about things in my life or hear about things in yours - even if I know it would be emotionally beneficial. Some days I just want to stare into the faces of my beautiful daughters and ignore the rest of the world. I know, I'm sure it sucks to read as much as it sucks for me to realize this is how I feel. "What a bitch", you might be thinking. Again, I'm sorry. People deal with things differently.

On a much brighter note, I am tip-toeing back into photography. I've had a camera in my hands since I was about thirteen but never had the confidence to pursue it as a career. Yesterday I had a maternity photo-shoot with a best friend (the one who's wedding I attended last month). She was so beautiful and the pictures turned out so nice. I am very happy with the results. Hopefully word of mouth will get me out there a little more and I can start doing more projects like this.

Anywho, it's about time for my one year old to arise from her nap... and I still have an apartment to clean.

Cheers, friends!!

-Denise

Oi!

I woke up this morning and went "WTF" to myself in regards to the condition of the house. I will never know how in three days my house in it's entirety can go from clean and pretty to a total effing disaster. Anyway, so that was my third or fourth thought of the day. Around 9am I ventured out, grocery list in hand, and made my way to Kroger with both girls in tow. Up until this point, I have gotten away with taking one or the other on big store trips or both if its just a small errand. But today I had an entire list of things we needed and two bright eyed little girls. Almost right after we got there, my sweet Alivia decided to start screaming. Naturally, I whipped out my boob and began nursing her in the sling. A few moments later, she was asleep and Carly and I were able to carry on. She nursed through out the rest of the shopping trip but was covered so no one even knew. An hour or so later, we were in the parking lot unloading the groceries. Both girls were buckled in and content, Carly having convinced me to not only buy Oreos but Caprisun as well and Alivia having just woken up from boob and nap. I felt very accomplished. Ever since Alivia was born, my goal was to get one thing done every day whether its an entire load of laundry, a meal, grocery shopping, or whatever. Right after she was born, I went stir crazy. I am the type of person who hates more than one lazy day. I am constantly doing something. Obviously when I gave birth to my second child, everything took longer and I became overwhelmed with the expectations I placed on myself. So, one goal a day. Totally doable. We get home, Carly immediately wants something to drink and the baby is ready to be out of her carseat. Meanwhile, there are perishable items in the trunk of my van. I make about 10 trips bringing the stuff inside, get Carly a drink, and hold Alivia while I start putting things away. Then comes lunch for all three of us (Alivia is attached to my chest the whole time). Carly wants pizza and a yogurt and I remember that I forgot to eat breakfast so we split a gross Totinos and some vanilla yogurt. Whatever. Its quick and I needed something in my stomach. I debate on whether or not to nap with the kids today, knowing that my house is still a wreck despite the fact that it's noon and to some people not much was accomplished. I decide to lay down with the girls in my bed. I get very irritable when I am tired. Carly brings in her own special pillows and a few of her own babies and lays down on my side of the bed. I take Blakes side. We all get comfy and about 20 minutes later, both kids are asleep. It is not until that point that I can finally relax and close my eyes. Two hours later, we are up and on our way to my husbands office. He and I decide to clean our cars and I tell him that I will vacuum and clean the inside of both our cars if he will clean the outsides. He agrees. Between balancing the kids and cleaning both vehicles, this takes two/three hours. I take the girls home and begin thinking about dinner. While thinking, I have the baby in her sling, Carly watching cartoons, I am folding laundry and answering a few texts. Before I know it, it's 6pm and my husband is home. I hand him the baby after he greets me with a kiss and throw together some leftovers. Then comes bath time. Usually, I do all of this by myself but tonight my honey came home early so I got to designate duties! We put Carly to bed with extra kisses and giggles. I nurse the baby to sleep. Hubby goes downstairs. I stay upstairs to finish the laundry and clean up the kitchen from dinner. I decide to take a nice hot bath to try and rid myself of this headache that started a few hours ago. My house still isn't as clean as I would like it to be... But my kids and husband are happy and I suppose that's more important, haha. Goodnight.

Wildlife.

That's a picture of me and Carly (4) feeding a deer at my mom's house. How cool is that?! My mom named her "Baby" and apparently she visits every evening. I'll have to do some research, but she likes bread and dog food. She ate out of my hand and Carly's. The deer is very timid and shy but enjoyed the meal we shared.

Today was a nice day. I helped clean my mom's house and played with the kiddos. I was awakened by Carly at 2am then again at 6am after getting up with Alivia at 5am. So, not much sleep. I swear, my child sleeps worse than my infant.

Anyway, after a failed attempt at a nap, I took the kids to Lake Peachtree. Carly splashed around and chased the geese while I walked with Alivia and tried to find shade for us to stand in.

I'm trying to convince my mom to come to the zoo with us tomorrow. We will see if that pans out. I don't know that I'm brave enough to do that on my own with two kids yet, but we will see. It also depends on how much sleep I get tonight... so I should probably get off the computer and get to bed.

We will head back home tomorrow. I miss my house and my husband.

Revelation.

It's 10pm and both children are in bed. I should also be in bed... seeing as my sweet four month old will wake up in a few hours to nurse and at 6am, my four year old will be up and ready to start her day. It's rare that I actually get some "alone" time so here I sit.

The three of us came down to my moms in Peachtree City earlier today. It's our bi-monthly ritual. My mom is one of my best friends and she is a wonderful grandma to my kids. When Alivia was first born, she'd come up every Thursday and spend the day helping me go grocery shopping or cleaning the house or just helping me learn to balance two kids. When Alivia turned about 2 months, we ventured to Peachtree City for the first time. It was horrible. This kid hates carseats. She can be clean, fed, and tired... but she will likely scream from point a to point b with less than 10 seconds of catching her breath during the entire trip. I think it may be getting better. I say that as I frantically look for a piece of wood to knock on. In any case, I have pretty much mastered bringing my two children on an hour long drive and being away from "home" for a couple days. 

I love coming down here to spend time with my mom though. I grew up in this city and I know it like the back of my hand. It's a nice place to raise children - until they become old enough and start hating it. I hated being a teenager here and looking back, I don't know why. I guess I was just angsty in general and thought everything sucked. I had a good childhood and even though my parents divorced when I was 15, it really wasn't a reason to start wearing all black and dying my hair obnoxious colors. Yea, I was "that" kid. Looking back I get embarassed of myself during that time in my life and I can wait for the day when my own children decide to express themselves in less than flattering ways.

I think the strangest thing of all is running into people I went to high school with/grew up with. I was never the type of girl people imagined would grow up to get married and have a family, or enjoy either of those things. I was a loner and didn't really care for kids. Like I stated above, a good portion of my high school days were spent wearing black pants and navel showing shirts hoping I would resemble Gwen Stefani in her early No Doubt days.

Obviously, that's not who I am anymore which is why it catches people off guard. For one, I am a mom. No one really saw that one coming. I'm married. I drive a mini-van. I am happy and nearly every picture of me these days has me smiling (a rareity back in the day!). I don't curse (around the kids) and genuinely enjoy being a stay-at-home mom. I like cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and changing diapers and watching Blues Clues and experiencing new things with my girls. I absolutely love it.

It's just kind of funny how things change, isn't it?

Growing up.

It's really interesting sitting back and simply watching your kids. In my mind, I am still a kid and sometimes it's hard to believe I am a mom of two. I see through the same eyes even though clearly I am nearing the age of twenty six and have grown up responsibilities (but I'll admit, I can get along well with four year olds).

My daughter had a spring performance at her school today. It was adorable. Some of the kids sang, some did not. Some shouted "I see you, mommy!". Carly sat there and shyly waved at me, my mom, and my husband. It was an emotional mommy moment, seeing my first child on stage with her classmates. At that moment she was not only my first born but she was also a little girl; her own person.

The older I get the more I understand my own mom and why she always cried at my school plays and gymnastics and any major milestones. It's a big deal watching your children grow up. When you see them apart from you it becomes apparent how you're doing as a mom or dad and the mannerisms they develop from watching you - and ofcourse, you see their own incredible little personalities.

Carly is currently standing on a stool in the kitchen with my mom. They are shucking corn. I love being a mom and I love having the family that I have. My children have the opportunity to learn and experience so many things because of the people in their lives. I've learned a lot about being a mom from my own mother. I appreciate her more and more every day.