So, it's been well over a year since my last update. Sorry, guys. I guess life has a way of running away from you if you're not holding on to it tightly. I'm not sure if this post will be more of a downer or an upper but I figure I may as well get it all out of me while I have the chance.
The picture above is of my sweet little girls. Carly is now 5 and in kindergarten. Alivia is 1 and has a sweet yet fiery disposition. I took that photo at my best friends wedding last month. The girls keep me on my toes in very different ways. I read over my last entry and it's amazing how things change. Back then, it seems as though Alivia would sleep through grocery trips where as now it's a wrestling match to keep her seated in the cart. Her favorite word is "no" and she uses it often and when it doesn't make sense: "Älivia, would you like to ride on a purple unicorn?" "NO!"- I mean really, who would object to that?!
I guess I can slowly recap the last year.
In December, two of our close friends got into a tragic accident and they both lost their lives. They left behind three sweet kids. It hit close to home. The call came at 5am and we were knocked off our feet. What happened? Who? No. You're kidding me. This isn't real. This isn't happening. But it was real, it had happened. People deal with things in different ways when something horrific happens. Sometimes people gather together for support where they cry, drink, remember the good times, and cry some more. Some people find comfort in their religion. Some people can't be alone for a while. Some people isolate themselves and try to block out the pain by just not dealing with it. I'm the type of person who needs other people when I feel sad. I need to talk, cry, curse, and question all of my beliefs. That's the way I've always been and probably the way I'll stay.
A month later, another friend fell and ended up in the ICU with a fractured skull. This time, it was my husband's best friend - the brother of the man who had died just a month before. My husband sat in the room with his wife for days, weeks it seemed. Waiting for him to wake up, hoping, wishing, feeling sick, worrying, trying to plan for the best and the worst. Thankfully he pulled out of it and things are settling into their new normal. My husband's friend and his wife now have six children (their three and the three they adopted from his brother and sister-in-law's passing).
It seems as though the majority of 2013 has been one blurry blur.
Alivia turned one. Titus turned 6, Leo and Carly turned 5.
We had fun parties for all of them.
My husband and I are recovering from a short time of separation. This in itself is still hard to conceive or even write about. It's been hard... to say the very least. People go through things in different ways, deal with things differently. It's hard to know which path to take, which answer is the right one or how things will turn out. All you can do is stay strong, hope for the best, and make the best decisions based on the information at hand. I don't know where we will end up or how this story will end. I just know that there's too much to work for, too much we have worked for to give up now.
As of right now we are living in a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment. It's significantly smaller than the house we were living in but that's really okay. One step at a time, one day at a time. I honestly like the place. I don't know that I want to live in an apartment for the rest of my life but for right now, it's just fine.
I'll admit that over the past year, I've been a shitty friend. A lot of people may not even answer my phone calls anymore. I don't know what to do about that other than say I am sorry. I think 2013 may serve as one of the most difficult years I have ever experienced and I am personally anxious to see it ending. Those who are angry with me probably view me as selfish for trying to take this time and strictly focus on myself and my kids... and truthfully, I probably have been. I'm rarely too busy to answer a phone call or text or e-mail, honestly. Truth is, some days I just don't want to. Some days I don't want to talk about things in my life or hear about things in yours - even if I know it would be emotionally beneficial. Some days I just want to stare into the faces of my beautiful daughters and ignore the rest of the world. I know, I'm sure it sucks to read as much as it sucks for me to realize this is how I feel. "What a bitch", you might be thinking. Again, I'm sorry. People deal with things differently.
On a much brighter note, I am tip-toeing back into photography. I've had a camera in my hands since I was about thirteen but never had the confidence to pursue it as a career. Yesterday I had a maternity photo-shoot with a best friend (the one who's wedding I attended last month). She was so beautiful and the pictures turned out so nice. I am very happy with the results. Hopefully word of mouth will get me out there a little more and I can start doing more projects like this.
Anywho, it's about time for my one year old to arise from her nap... and I still have an apartment to clean.
Cheers, friends!!
-Denise
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