Ahhhh, Mondays. Typically the most dreaded day of the week.
Today is okay, though. I've got my diffuser running, the aromatherapy oils filling my apartment with relaxing scents. I've got my morning coffee in my cute new owl mug. Alivia is napping and I am almost unpacked from the weekend.
Carly was with her dad, the boys came into town and we ventured out as a family (minus my sweet girl, hate that) to Lake Lanier for Blake's cousin's wedding. I will admit I was nervous about going. Blake has a huge family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, nieces, nephews, so on. It's still a little weird for me because growing up I had my mom, dad and sister. All of my other relatives lived across the country or across the ocean. Family gatherings only occurred at Christmas time. Anyway, I was nervous because of what we've been going through and my desire to be left alone about it. I was afraid I'd be looked at funny or asked questions. I was worried that people would look at us and wonder "What the hell?"... turns out, I was worried and afraid and anxious for no reason. No one cares (I mean, they
care but not in a negative sense). Everyone knows me and loves me. It's a completely different feeling than I had in my first marriage - and I
have to remind myself of that! I am part of their family and have been for nearly five years now. I never felt like I was a part of my ex-husbands family, even before things got sour. So, we were at the wedding and despite all of my irrational concerns I had a blast. We spent the weekend swimming, playing, jumping off the dock, making new friends, laughing, boating, and jet-skiing.
I have to say, Titus is my main man. I love both of my stepsons, but Titus has an especially tender place in my heart. Leo, I feel sometimes, could take or leave me (I mean that in a funny way) - I know he cares about me in his own way but he prefers his daddy and never strays too far from his side - he's also more quiet and far less expressive than his older brother. Titus is extremely sensitive towards my feelings and wants to be with me and show me affection constantly. If I go somewhere, he wants to come with me. He wants to help; he asks me questions because he trusts my answers. He shares things with me that he doesn't share with everyone. Things haven't always been perfect and our blended family has had it's share of ups and downs. Being a step-parent is challenging and what makes it more-so is when you know that their other parent resents your very existence and makes their children aware of it. But it is not the child's fault - and kids are so smart. They figure things out on their own. I am in a great place as a step-mom right now and I am thankful for that.
As parents, we hold the power to "mold" our children and without sometimes realizing it, they imitate everything we do in some way. If you expose your kids to good experiences and people, they will have a rich appreciation for life. If you hate the texture of bananas, it may become their least favorite fruit. If you root for a certain sports team, I bet they'll root too. What I'm saying is, you have to be conscious of what you do, how you behave, and the things you say in front of your children. They see and hear everything. If you have a blended family, it's important to always be kind in regards to the outside parents whether it's your ex or your partner's ex. Kids just want to love and be loved. They don't need to know why a marriage ended (not that they'd even understand - but also how unfair!) or hear you say their other parent is an idiot (even if they are). Let them love everyone involved. Like I said, they'll figure things out on their own. I'm already seeing that with both my oldest daughter and my stepsons. That being said, it's okay to vent about an ex - just as long as the kids aren't around to hear it.
I got Carly back yesterday and like always about ten minutes into the ride back home, she had a little meltdown. It's as if she completely holds in all of her feelings all weekend and once she's back home, she feels comfortable enough to let them out. She cries, wants to hold my hand, and be held in my arms. She tells me about how she dislikes being away and though she loves her dad, she wishes she could stay here with me. I hate it for her, I really do. Her father and I were married almost two years and it was wrong, wrong, wrong from the get-go. We just weren't meant to be, obviously. He's not a bad dad or scum of the earth, but he has very self-centered tendencies and it's finally something that I have learned to accept. It's not like I'm going to change him. Carly goes to see him every other weekend. He is remarried and has a son that is Alivia's age exactly. It was kind of awkward when his wife and I were pregnant at the same time. Carly does not get along with her step-mom and that's a huge reason she doesn't like going there. She feels unloved and cast aside. She sees this "family" that she doesn't feel a part of. I have tried talking to her dad about it, he denies everything and says it's total BS (fact is, it's how our daughter feels and I wish he would validate that at the very least). I have also tried talking to his wife about it. She usually rolls her eyes at me and dismisses anything I've got to say. She's told me before she wishes Carly and I would just disappear so she could have her own little family. So... I can only assume that's why Carly feels the way she does.
On the Mondays after I get Carly back, I always feel happy. I have my babies where they need to be and I have two weeks where I don't have to share. So even though most of the world hates Mondays, I am thankful for them because life is good.
